March 21, 2004

What Time is It???

Well Folks…….

Now that the whole world has internet service and e-mail (which I just discovered about three years ago)……we all get those cute jokes that go around the web three or four times…..and I, too, do my part to keep them going. But anyway…..a good friend on the West Coast sent me a few Andy Rooney quips and quotes that had me holdin’ my sides and practically rollin’ in the floor……and I thought, “You know? I’ll just bet he could find a story in an alarm clock!!” And guess what??? I already have a story about an alarm clock!!! Sooooo …..! Here Goooooooes!!! (Look out Andy!!)

When my daughter, Amanda was 16 years old…..Johnny and I bought her a car for her birthday. Of course she was on the proverbial “Cloud 9” and wanted to drive to school every day, which was just fine with us…..but I told her she needed to stop by her cousin Audrey’s house and take her to school too…..which of course, was not a problem at all…..(Audrey was only 3 months older than Amanda and they were like sisters, having spent practically every day of their lives together since birth!)…and if you’ve ever had a teenager in the house …..then you know that teenagers travel in two’s….three’s…….four’s…..and twenty-five’s……NEVER alone….kind of like a wolf pack!!!

Well….!!. Since Amanda, an early riser, was always out the door and on her way 30 to 45 minutes before she had to be at school…..(I suspect she and Audrey did a bit of pre-school “cruising” to show off her new car)… I was surprised and dismayed to get a letter from the school a couple of weeks later that she had several tardy slips and would I please “address the problem”. When I confronted Amanda with the letter from the school, she explained that Audrey (a little night owl) was always late because the alarm clock didn’t go off…..or she couldn’t hear it……or she hit the snooze bar once too often…..always an excuse to get ten more minutes of Z’s! So I decided to fix THAT!

I stopped by Wal-Mart the next day and bought one of those old fashioned alarm clocks……the Big Ben!! The bells on that thing would put even the soundest sleeper on the floor the minute it went off!! So later that evening, I presented the clock to Audrey …..and informed her that I’d better not see any more tardy slips…..and then went on home, quite convinced that there would be no more problems in that area! A couple of hours later the telephone rang. An exasperated-sounding Audrey was on the other end saying she couldn’t figure out how to get the alarm clock to work.

“What do you mean how do you get it to work?” I replied….. “It’s very simple…..you just set the hands to the time you want to get up in the morning…..then pull out the little button on the back….wind it up….. and that’s all there is to it!! How much more simple can you get?”

There was long pause on the other end of the line….a big sigh…. and then…... Audrey said… “Yes….you told me that earlier…..but ……how do I know if it’s AM …….or ………PM????”

I was still rollin’ in the floor laughing three days later when Johnny found me!!!

Donna
“The Tall-Tale-Tellin’-Tennessean”

February 1, 2004

The King’s English…..Does Anyone Care?

Well Folks……

I don’t usually take offense at the way people talk…..in fact, I kind of like to try to identify where people are from by listening to the way they say their words…..Bostonians by the way they say “car”……. “caih”……..New England states (Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, etc.) by the “r’s” at the end of words that usually end with an “a”…..or the “ah” sound…. Or the difference in Southern Dialects…… “Darling” ….is…… “Dah-lin’”…… “Da-ar-lin’”…….. “Doar-lin’”……or …… “Dallin”……Depending on which Southern State you’re in…… So you see…..I think it’s interesting and amusing to hear the pronunciations or even mispronunciations of words and phrases….it adds color and personality to the language……HOWEVER……..We all do KNOW when it’s wrong!!

Now please don’t misunderstand me……I love accents…all of them …and believe me ….I have a real East Tennessee “twang” myself……But I do have a real problem with some of the changes that have occurred in every day language! Regardless of region….North, South, New England, West Coast……it is happening everywhere …….all over this country….and is now the “norm”! In fact, most young people today don’t even know the CORRECT pronunciation of so many common words!! And the sad fact is…….their teachers didn’t feel compelled to correct them …..and it has gone “uncorrected” for so long now….that it’s actually become the correct way to talk!!

For example…the word …… “pool”……. I was taught that the vowel sound “oo”….as in “moo”…..or …. “coo”…. was the correct way to pronounce the word “pool”….as in the word “moon”. But NO……I NEVER hear THAT sound associated with THAT word in this day and time…..instead it’s “pu-wull”…….!!

WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THAT COME FROM????

Was some “Valley Girl” or a misplaced “Southern Belle” responsible for that???? Or was it some insecure “Flutter-by” trying to imitate the social “Butterfly”???

WHATEVER!!!!!

It caught on and STUCK!! And the trouble is…….they did it to the word “cool” as well….it is now…….. “cuuh-wull”……!!! At least they’ve left alone, the word “soon”….I’d sure hate to have to listen to some 13 year old saying….. “ Come back to see me “suh-wun!” Yuck!!!!

Another one? How about “wolf”……!!! W-O-L-F …..wolf……..NOT ……… “wuf”….and definitely NOT…… “woof”……and you ought to hear what they’ve done to the plural of the word!!! Wolves??? No way!!! It’s “Wufs”! Sounds like something you wear around your neck in cold weather!!! One of my daughter’s friends has a definite Ohio accent… ….and I LOVE Ohioans….(They have one of the most distinctive and interesting accents I’ve ever heard……EXCEPT for the word “wolf”!) I asked her….. “Where’s the “L”…..??” She said… “It’s silent!” What I want to know is…….WHERE IN ANY TEXT BOOK IS ANY “L” SILENT!!! Sooooo….WHO authorized that change??? And WHY???

Let’s try the word “to” or “too”….. it has now become “tew”!!! But Thank Goodness, it only happens when the speaker forgets to use the word “also” !! This one really irks me……sounds like someone is trying to put on “airs”!!! I noticed tonight that even the local Weather Lady was guilty of this one…..talk about grammar??? “Looks like we’re going to see rain Thursday night and Friday night ……tew!!!” I shuddered for a full ten minutes……!!

Now ….here’s one that’s sort of “iffy”…… “Tournament”…….could possibly be … “toornament”………but there’s no way that “quarter” could ever be “corter”….Whew!!! (Before you know it ….THAT one’s gonna be “Whe-you”!!!)

Well…..as you can see when you read this article ….that I don’t necessarily use proper grammar….and I think I rather like “fragmented phrases and sentences”….I speak that way too….(tew) (also) (as well)….!!!! In fact….at times….my speech is…..quite fragmented…like some of my thoughts!!! But again…...that’s color, texture, accent….or whatever adjective you want to use to describe it…..and I always KNOW when it’s incorrect!!!

Now I realize that our English language today is very different from the English language of just a few hundred years ago…….did any of us understand Beowulf?? (There’s that “wolf” again….but I don’t hear anyone calling it “Beo-WUF”!!!) Or more recently ….. Shakespeare?? So….I’m really not knockin’ the evolution of our language….I guess it’s the natural order of things…..and that 300 years from now, only historians will probably be able to read these words….much less be able to pronounce them!

But the mispronunciation of words is only a small part of the picture…..and probably a whole lot of people would say that my preoccupation with the pronunciation of certain words borders on the neurotic…….But it saddens me to know that such a large percentage of our young people speak our language EXACTLY the SAME! (Except for Brooklyn…..I don’t think anyone from Brooklyn need ever fear being absorbed into the “language melting pot”!!)

I’m not exactly sure when all this came about……but it seems that just about everyone under the age of 25 speaks in this rapid-fire, high pitched nasal monotone …….. guys and girls alike….. with a question mark at the end of each pause……!!! What are they questioning? That’s usually the only part of the conversation I understand……the question mark at the end!!!

So what’s my REAL problem???

Oh…. I do mourn the passing of the “dignified spoken word”….and the near demise of the well-written story…….I regret that so many will never really NOTICE the taste of consonants, vowels and syllables ……..and will never SEE the color of adjectives and adverbs in their every-day conversations!

But most of all…..I regret that no one will tell them that “L’s” are NOT silent!!!!

Donna Guffey……

January 12, 2004

Well Folks......

Was just talking to my good friend Marian Rogerson out in San Diego California......and she mentioned how beautiful the weather was......"Bliss"....was the word she used.......77 degrees.......how wonderful!!

And I thought........."Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r........I could sure use some of that "Bliss" TODAY!!" I can tell you folks one thing!!! I DO NOT LIKE COLD WEATHER!! I didn't get cold when I was YOUNG......I've only got cold since I began to "age".......soooooo ......that also means ........I DO NOT LIKE OLD EITHER! ......(you can drop the "c".....the "w"......and the "a".......and add an "i".........and it's one and the same!!!)

Sooooooooo........I wrote this "Lament"......And every word of it is TRUE!!! I Swear it is!!!

Donna

(Ya'll have a Great Day!!!)

My Winter’s Lament

I Guess I'm finally gettin' old.....
'cause my bones are achin' with the cold!!!
My muscles quiver.....shiver.....and shake......
and when the temperature drops...I begin to quake!!!

At night I wear THREE sets of clothes!!!
And still.... I swear.....I've nearly froze
Though the heat's on high.......and the fire's a'poppin'......
I know I can feel that temp'rature droppin' !!

Never again will I ever gripe....
about the heat of an August night......
When the sweat is tricklin’ down my face.......
and my hair spray turns to a sticky paste!!!

And I'm wondering just what's next to come "off".......
When the Iced tea's hot and the jello's soft!
When the mercury climbs to a Hundred or more.....
then I'm right there fumin' in the middle of the floor

with the A/C blowin' on "Hurricane".........
and me swearin' I wished it was Winter again!
Seems like there’s never a “Medium Ground”
When the weather is “up” ….It ought to be “down”.

So I'm in a quandry......In a Mess all the time.......
when it comes to the Seasons.....I can't make up my mind......
Whether I like it Hot........or I like it Cold.......
But there's One Thing For Certain.....

I DON'T like it OLD!!!